I have little to say publicly except that I am having a hard time in what feels like most spheres of my life.
I doubt my professional abilities. I question my ability to parent. I feel lost and twisting in the breeze in my marriage. I feel disconnected and angry at my family of origin. I feel completely unraveled and would rather drink than think.
I need a small focusing entry right now. I have had some things happen at work that are very frustrating, that could have been prevented, and that basically lead to the realization that I am a pawn, I am broke, I contribute nothing to my families financial stability except more debt, and that I could’ve gone on a bike ride today at two different times if I’d been informed of particular changes at work.
I have so much on my mind, much of it triggered by a discussion with my new therapist yesterday. I like her. I’m guardedly optimistic and I do feel she might push me a little more emotionally than I want to go, but I’m getting to a point in my life where it’s time to shit and not get off the pot, if you follow.
Today’s goals are to stay on top of things, simply stay organized, look forward to being done while being in the moment of each task whether it is paperwork or true interpersonal interactions. This is my last 12 hour-ish day as long as I can prevent it. Starting next week, I’ll be splitting my Wednesdays with a 4 hour break. That will be good. And in the fall, I will not be doing every other Saturday anymore.
I will practice what I preach: small steps, focusing on those things that I can control, preparing for future stress, and remembering that this too will pass and that I have many in my life who are here to help if I need it.
It’s time for me to stop swearing. I just sent an email with *shit* in it to a friend and I guess that’s not a big deal. But swearing makes one sound uneducated, vulgar, coarse and generally unlady-like. These are of course the reasons I enjoy it.
So, I’m coming up with some new words to use. So far I have:
Oh SNAP.
Fiddlesticks.
Knucklehead
Pinhead
Nitwit
Dimwit
Oh calamity (just popped in my head).
I’m eliciting suggestions. Kindly, help me.
I’m about to go for a bike ride. I have no idea where I’ll go, whether it’ll be rocky/rooty/muddy/grassy/fire-road/flat road. We’ll see.
A few rides ago I came across beautiful bright orange newt. He was so adorable. Here’s a picture of what he looked like. Newts and salamanders have these wonderful little knowing smiles. Scotia is totally overgrown and absolutely turgid with life, saturated with chlorophyll and existence. It’s beautiful. In the morning, I tend to ride through a lot of spider webs, which is a little bit yucky but also pretty hard-core.
I have an app’t with a new therapist at 1 pm. I spoke with Dr. S (my therapist I used to see in Other-Town) and she said that of course it was fine and that if I want to come back and see her in the fall when I’m in Other-Town regularly for class that’s fine and that if I don’t that’s ok too. There was more to it than that. She was awesome about it, which of course makes me want to see HER. We’ll see how the new one goes. She’s got a lot to prove. I’m having all sorts of complex thinking about it, about me, about me in either role etc. We’ll see what happens.
I’m off to roll along with Gary Fisher.
So, Land O’ Lakes got back to me about shelf stability. I find the answer not so satisfactory nor surprising:
Thank you for your recent e-mail to LAND O LAKES®. We appreciate your interest in our products.
Shelf-Stable is a term used to describe a particular kind of food packaging. The cartons are sterile and after pasteurization are hermetically sealed much like canned foods. There is no difference in the product formulation between shelf-stable and refrigerated products- it’s the packaging process that differs.
This remarkable packaging system allows products once considered perishable to be distributed and stored without refrigeration for periods up to one year – even delicate foods such as milk, soy beverages and juices.
Thanks again for contacting the Consumer Affairs Department.
Sincerely,
Gerardo Huerta
Consumer Response Representative
Ref: N926465
The thing about this is that it suggests other ecological issues, namely that packaging is a huge part of corporations, of people attempting to move food long distances and avoid the “inconvenience” of planning ahead or eating real food. We already have a huge problem with excessive packaging, used for a variety of reasons including marketing, security, preservation, and convenience.
I guess it’s true that mayo and salad dressing are shelf stable, which should maybe make us take pause as well. Do they vacuum seal stuff? What exactly do they do? What the hell is hermetically sealed? Hermetically means that it’s air tight. How do they do that?
If I’m trying to buy less and less stuff that is processed and packaged, then I need to consider this. We’ve nearly eliminated corn syrup from our life. We make most of our food. I need to make salad dressing. Mine is way better than the expensive bottled shit, excepting Annie’s Goddess dressing. I’ve made something similar to Annie’s and need to keep trying to get it closer. Anyway, my point is that I think American’s are far too used to the convenience of everything being at their fingertips, immediate, when they want it. Why should I have to go to a dairy for my millk, two farmer’s markets for my produce and other dairy or meat, and the grocery store for staples? Because it’s not natural to eat strawberries that are made to be shipped from California. They taste like a different species than the local ones. We need to slow down and be willing to invest a little time and energy into the stuff we put in our bodies and feed our children. It needs to be a priority. We shouldn’t be working ridiculous hours. We should be glad to invest some time and money into these things. I refer you to The Omnivore’s Dilemma by Michael Pollan who makes a compelling argument for this.
I need to spend more time feeding us (body and soul) and less time on the interwebs, less time on facebook. So, I’m working on that.
I’m taking my second week long break from Facebook in the past few months. I’m not looking for some cookie or congratulations. I just realized that I spent too much time composing updates in my head, too much time worrying about things people had left on my comments etc and one final worry about someone’s reaction to me made me decide to lighten up and get off the damn thing. So, there’s that. I have tons to do and it is simply a time suck. I don’t need updates about people I don’t know, people from high school I never liked, and ex-boyfriends who did nothing but make me miserable. I’m considering deleting my account. That might be overkill.
I’m at work and it’s been hard lately. I wish I could really vent about it, but I can’t in this forum. I will start seeing a therapist on Monday who is not my current therapist and this makes me sad. I have put a call in to Dr. S, the previous/current therapist, to talk to her about this development. I’m just too messy and moody to not have someone keeping me honest. I love my friends and family, but it’s too much to expect all of ya’ll to do that all the time. And presumably I can talk to this therapist about work stuff that is hard. I hope to be able to see Dr. S again in the fall when I’m commuting to classes again.
The coffee we have at work is absolutely revolting. The worst I’ve ever had. I drink it, and plenty of it. Basically this coffee tastes like gas station coffee that you might get at a cigarette outlet store. The Chai Tea is disgusting. I can’t even drink it. The Early Grey is like bubble bath and the Hazelnut is indescribably bad.It’s disgusting. I’m sorry. It’s the truth. That might make me a snob. So be it. We also have a machine in the waiting room for clients. People rave about it. They love the Milky Way creamy topping.
But, what’s worse is that it is very non-ecological. The brand is Flavia. Their website is http://www.myflavia.com/. It’s world-wide. It’s part of the Mars corporation, it looks like. Here’s what it looks like, only this version is a little hotter, a little more hip than the one we have http://us.myflavia.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3442362. Each cup of coffee is brewed from a plastic, sealed packet that has some extra plastic parts attached to make it compatible with the machine. The cups each packet make are small, maybe 6 oz. I have to use 2 to fill my reasonably sized coffee mug. Some other people use mugs, but many use the diposable cups with disposable lids and stirrers and add cream and sugar from single-serve packets. There is nothing resusable, recyclable, or even reductionist about the whole thing. I asked why we have this machine. The answer was maddening: “People kept going to the coffee pot and it was empty and they didn’t have time to brew coffee or if they brewed coffee, it would be gone when they got back.” Really? That’s it? There wasn’t a better solution?
We could have a few different pots brewing across the office building. I can think of at least 4 places we could put pots of coffee. We can take turns being “in charge” of coffee, either each day or each week. And we have lots of front desk staff who could help with it. They are in charge of the Flavia machine. Some people would probably be glad to bring in their own little machines for their office. Can’t we all be courteous of others and if we use the last of the coffee, make a new pot? Have 2 pots going like they do at Sheetz. And is it THAT terrible if you have to wait 5 god damn minutes for your coffee???
And while I’m on the topic, aren’t you skeptical of creamers that can sit out for days and days and days and NOT spoil or curdle? The Land o’ Lakes Mini Moos claim to be half and half. Half what? All the dairy products I know have a short shelf life even if they are refrigerated. But don’t worry. I sent the company an email asking about it. We’ll see what they say. I bet I get coupons in the mail.
I’ve been doing pretty well with the food at work thing. I bring less, I eat less, and I listen to why and when I eat. Yesterday was a very very hard day and I managed to mostly do OK except at 4pm when I gorged on my homemade brownies. I try to listen to my body, to feel if I’m actually hungry.
Later I plan to blog more about our garden (maybe with pictures), our yogurt and sprouts, and my bike. Along with that, of course, will be my neurotic thoughts and feelings associated with all of it.
For reasons that don’t really require explaining, we have to take down our wonderful wooden compost that my husband made. It’s wonderful and open and great, not smelly and quickly making beautiful soil. Let me add that it never has any meat or grain, so it doesn’t attract vermin. Basically, where we live there have been complaints that it’s unsightly (meanwhile, it’s in the back, close to our house, not where almost anyone would see it). It’s “garbage.” No it’s not. So, we have to change the type of composter we’re using. We have no chioce. Fine. My mother-in-law is being kind enough to buy it but it 1) will be made of plastic, and 2) is small and 3) must be shipped via trucks that burn fossil fuels and 4) I’m sure is constructed in China by almost slave labor. This, of course, upsets me and makes me feel sort of thwarted. Being part of a community is important, but I want to be surrounded by those who support our way of life. We also were given a bag of shit about having a sandbox that may have been left w/o its top on once or twice and about storing some small play things for my son on our porch. It really upset us.
I also am buying a very nice and expensive bike soon, for ecological and fitness reasons. But I wonder if it was made in China? How sustainable are the parts and production for making bikes?
I know, this is a lot of bleeding heart liberal guilt, but I think it’s very important to pay attention to how decisions (small and large) end up resonating in the world. I don’t want my hoity-toity green living to contribute to suffering in China and Southern Africa where these things are made and where the metals and things are mined.
So, when I go to work for a long day, I typically pack much food. It’s how my anxiety manifests. Today is an 11 hour day, which is somewhat stressful, but my immediate cognitions relate to whether I’ll have enough to eat, what will I do if I’m hungry, what if I get a growly stomach, and will there be anything I *want* to eat. So, I tend to bring a lot of food. Today’s list includes:
Yogurt with berries; granola; pretzels; rice cakes; fruit leather; pasta with feta cheese; curried potatoes and tofu; cucumbers; prepackaged and single-serve Thai noodles; prepackaged and single-serve mandarin orange sauce noodles; chocolate (always on-hand, actually); apples; tea bags; altoids. I should add that I won’t and never do eat everything I bring.
That’s a lot of stuff. Most of it is in reusable containers. But some of it includes excessive packaging and processing (the single serve noodles in particular). Some of it is in plastic baggies. Do I need all that? What is that about? Why do I feel the need to hoard that much food? What purpose is it serving? Is there a way to be more rational, more moderate about this? Not only is it non-ecological, it actually contributes to my anxiety. I don’t have immediate thoughts on that, though do have some floating around. I think it’s important to consider where the pressure comes from. Is it my own food issues? Is it societal pressure? Is it the nature of my job or workplace? Is it related to not having a regular office?
Further bulletins as events warrant.
Dear cottage cheese,
MMmmm. You are delicious! I love your salty, curdy wheys (get it? ways?). You are delicious with pineapple and also black pepper and sprouts. Rock ON with your bad self. We are going to start making you at home. Are you ready?
Love,
MJ
Dear Mother-in-Law,
Thanks for keeping chardonnay stocked and available. It was what I needed.
Love,
MJ
Dear Place of Employment,
I am going to kill someone if I don’t get my own office. Bringing three bags plus a laptop to work on a daily basis is killing me. All I want is a god damned bookshelf for some crap and a drawer or two. My clients think I’m nuts, always in a different place. And what would one think of someone who never has the same office? Temporary! Unreliable! Expendable! And I am expendable, that is the communication you give, Place of Employment. I am so sick of marching around in the middle of the day, exploring your halls, combing the keys for an open office. And there’s nothing like hearing from the secretary after I’ve unpacked for the SECOND time in the day that there is someone else in that office this afternoon. Who’s in that office? Someone who pulls in a lot more money than I do. I’m over it. Is it so much to ask to have a little desk, two chairs, and some walls for hanging pictures? It’s starting to make me nutty.
Love,
MJ
Dear puddles,
Welcome. Welcome to being splashed and jumped and generally mussed and enjoyed by my son in his sweet green boots. Ah, to have such boots. It’s spring. My son loves jumping and hopping and all permutations therein, so prepare to be gotten! I hope you enjoy the explosion of joy, the stomps of delight.
And is it nice to get all toasty on a hot asphalt parking lot, filling a little dimple of macadam with water and teeny little bits of gravel? I imagine it is, on a long fall towards a black hot top. This is when I love you, filling in between my toes on summer days as I dodge worms and such.
I look forward to many wonderful afternoons and evenings.
Love,
MJ
So, there are some letters to start. They aren’t stellar, but they’ll do. And it looks like I can’t let go of the swearing. So it goes.
So, I have decided to reinitiate blogs. Some of you read my blog that I had on myspace. I had a blog here last year that I told no one about. I deleted all the entries, though I saved most of them in a word file. I lost the best one, which was a vitriolic letter to our air conditioning. Really, it was most excellent. Mostly, writing to an audience I didn’t know was weird. So, I hope some of you are those who followed my myspace blog.
I plan to chronicle many things on this blog, but chiefly my family’s move towards sustainability and ecological living. Greenness. All that good stuff. I am well aware of how trendy this is now and that it is a cash cow. My goal with this blog is to keep myself honest, to pay attention to my buying decisions, parenting decisions, wifely decisions, and general life decisions from a sort of holistic perspective. I want to move OFF the grid. I want a sustainable life. So far we sprout, make our own bread pretty often, cook from scratch mostly, and make our own yogurt. There’s a long way to go. We are also vegetarian, moving towards vegan in fits and starts. We buy locally as much as possible and are trying to grow stuff ourselves.
I guess I have a goal for my life, our life, in mind that is sort of hard to describe, that I’m not sure I can paint. It includes–but is not limited to–the commune idea we have talked at length about with Q and TF (husband’s sister and her wife).
You might want to know that I won’t talk about work on here, except in the most vague terms. The nature of my job is such that confidentiality is paramount and I would never want to threaten the vitality and integrity of what I do. I’ll vent, no doubt, and complain but I won’t give details. Also, I won’t disclose my real name or my family’s names. This is a public space and I am well-aware of the risks of writing about my life. I don’t work for the CIA, for the record. I will talk about some private things, for sure, but some of the things I blogged about on myspace just aren’t germaine to this public space. I’m trying to get better about wearing my heart on my sleeve, so I’ll try not to be too over-the-top too.
In my last blog, I swore a lot, bitched a lot, and wrote in all lowercase. I’m going to try to use better grammar and punctuation and capitalize. I’ll try to complain and swear less, but I doubt I’ll do a very good job of that. Mostly, I have a sailor mouth.
So, onward.
