It’s 7 am-Longberger ahoy.

I suppose this is pretty early. It used to be that I would blog around 5 am and think nothing of it. Being awake every 3 hours for 2 years bred a fierce love of my bed.

Husband and I will be taking child to school and then riding in Rothrock. I got up early (6 ish) so that my morning blarf feeling would pass in time for me to eat before we go. My foot doesn’t hurt but I’m hobbling around like I broke something, which I didn’t.

I broke down in tears yesterday while making supper partly because of pain but more because of my fear that I wouldn’t be able to ride. I feel stupid about that, but I think people who have been prevented from doing something they love will understand.

The ride with husband will be in Rothrock and will surely be the most boring ride imaginable for anyone who rides Rothrock all the time. I’ll be doing my first real trail in Rothrock. Until now I’ve only been on fire roads: Bear Meadows Road (paved for a lot of the way), North Meadows Road, Laurel Run Road. Now it’s time for Longberger. I think I’m spelling it right. Apparently it’s pretty easy. I’m skeptical. I want to go up Gettis too (is that how you spell it?). It’s bumpy apparently.

I don’t have any brilliant thoughts about this. Just feel nervous about it. I’m really really nervous about the NMBA ride on Thursday. Last week I hurt myself pretty badly. Not only is my lower, inside left leg hurt, the bruises I have on my right hip are very deep. They look like something that someone has after a car accident. I will take pictures.

More thoughts later on bikes.

On the bright side, I’m almost done with my dissertation methods. They include much cutting/pasting/arranging of musical bits and are pretty dreary and monotonous and time-consuming. I’ll be faxing in my subject request to run in the fall and it’s all moving forward as I want it to.

The Zeal and Its Parallel

I’ve been trying to remember the last time I felt such obsession and preoccupation with something in my life. My bike: It’s been taking up a lot of my brain. I think about when I get to ride again, where I might go, how it might feel. I try to eat right, plan ahead. I consider hydration and calories while also considering weight-loss. I pore over the minutae of my riding and thoughts to somehow improve my abilities and experiences on the bike.

And I realized that I know exactly when I last felt this way. It was when I fell in love with Sacha.

Some know that my post-delivery was not pretty and not pleasant. I did not enjoy being a mother for about 6 weeks. But when I did, I was obsessed, as many mothers are. Sacha’s intricacies, his nuaunces, all the minutae were analyzed, considered, blogged, and rehashed. I wanted so much to be the best mother I could for him. It was all trial and error. That mothering instinct? I’m here to tell you folks that it is Grade A BULLSHIT. Call me a behaviorist, but it’s shaping. Sacha shaped my parenting via his response. It makes sense. We’re animals.

My point is that I was obsessed with “becoming” Sacha’s mom in the uber-way. I wanted to be the best mother he could have. I say this in the past-tense because I think I’ve succeeded. That does NOT mean that I don’t continue to learn and grow as a mother, as Sacha’s mother. Goodness me you have to. You are swept along by the tide of parenting. But I feel like a pro. I have gone pro at being Sacha’s mom. I was an amateur, I fell off a lot, I was scared–more scared than I’d been of anything in my whole life–but I kept going because I had no choice. And the practice and perseverance paid off. I’m no professional parent. No one is. But I am a pro at parenting Sacha. I’m better than anyone at it, barring Peter.

I’m not sure if the parallel is perfect or even that it makes perfect sense. I’m not trying to go pro at riding a mountain bike. I’m trying to go pro at Jess riding her mountain bike. It’s a very different thing.

Current Bike Thoughts

I had a nice ride yesterday and Sunday. Sunday was just around bike paths around town. I chickened out on North Oak. Next time I won’t.

Yesterday I went out the fire road to Old Gatesburg and then back to the field up to the twisty and around a few other trails. My goal the past 2 rides was endurance, cardio, maintenance. I kept my legs going and going. It was always with resistance. As little as possible, I used the granny gear. It was successful. I felt good after both rides. I feel strong and noticed yesterday that my warm up was much faster and easier.

My major goal technically yesterday was to be loose on my bike and not grip it for dear life. I also wanted to really experience what it was like to be part of the suspension. Also, I was practicing not looking at my wheel but about 10 feet ahead.

Wow. It made a HUGE difference to not clutch the bike. I rested my hands on the brakes w/o curling my fingers around either the grips or the actual breaks. I felt so much better. I noticed that as soon as something even a little nerve-wracking happened (a car suddenly behind me, a logging truck, a pot hole garden, roots and rocks or fresh gravel [which EGADS]) I would instantly reach to clutch the bike. So I resisted over and over and soon it was easier to be loose. I had to say it outloud a lot “Loose. Loosen up. Relax.” It reminded me of when I was in labor and couldn’t push when I wanted to because I was waiting for a C-section. My thoughts then were “Un push.”

After the ride I was less sore and I don’t have the cranked up soreness in my left hand that I’d had before. That is good. I stretched a ton after and was well-hydrated. And I thought I’d eaten well all day.

AGAIN I couldn’t sleep last night after a ride. This is more than correlation I think. So, I got up and thought “I’ll have a little snack” and I realized I was STARVING. I ate a Tofutti ice cream sandwich and about 8 Pepperidge Farm cookies I have stashed away. That’s a lot. A bunch of water too. After that, I was able to calm down, rest, and sleep a bit better. It was still fitfull, but much better. This tells me that I didn’t eat enough sugar/carbs. A peanut-butter toast bit after the ride would have been way better than a pickle and fruit leather and a few bits Sacha didn’t eat for his snack. It wasn’t enough. I didn’t eat enough non-lettuce at dinner. So, I learned a lesson.

I also had an interesting thought as I tore down the trail I know best in Scotia, not on my brakes barely at all because of where my hands were. My thought: It would be really helpful to be able to POST like one does when horse-back riding. If you don’t know, posting is the rhythmic bouncing that the rider does sort of in time with the horse that seems to help balance and general “joining” with the horse. Help me out Heather and anyone else. It takes practice. I barely rode a horse in my life and know that w/o posting it is pretty janky and bumpy. So, I tried to do a little posting, sort of loosely bounce with the bike and LO AND BEHOLD it helped a bit. I think it takes practice to see how and when to do it, the technique etc. A bike is less rhythmic than a horse, at first blush anyway. I think as I continue to be looser I’ll continue to consider the posting stuff.

I also practiced hopping yesterday. My goal was to pull the bike to my chest and then land it w/o screwing around with the alignment. Straight up, straight down. It’s harder than it sounds. It’s easy to land a little turned and that’s when you skid on a log or slide on sand or mud and god forbid you’re going uphill. Man, hopping uphill is impossible for me right now.

So. These are my current bike thoughts. And rather than making me feel better about not being able to ride today, I’m annoyed and extra irritated at what I could have done. Damn.

BIKE-I’m obsessed.

Yes obsessed. Obsessed. I see why Leah made a page for her bike. I see why Peter gets that glint in his eye when the season rolls around. I made a list of all the stuff I want for the bike, in order of when I can get it. First, I need a multi-tool and some tubes and a tire lever and a CO2 thingy. It’s a matter of time before I flat and I’m not into walking a bike home. If I keep up the technical stuff, it’ll be sooner not later.

Today I spent about 45 minutes (not much because I had to go back to work) in Scotia. I went on the trail that the Buckland/Weaver household calls “The log pyramids.” And I did awesome guys. I’m really proud of myself.

Again, warming up felt good and easy and much faster. I’ve made some step, reached a new fitness level and that makes everything easier. My littlest front gear isn’t getting as much play as it was, and that’s good too.

I practiced two things on the way over there, along the road, on the little fire road etc: unclipping my feet from the pedals and hopping. You’d think both are easy. The thing about unclipping is that I need to remind myself sometimes of how fast I can do it. Then I don’t ride around with my left foot out of the cleat just in case, cause that’s a waste. The hopping. Well folks, hopping ain’t as easy as it sounds.

Peter had given me some good technical pointers, but I really feel like I got it today. That doesn’t mean I did it right every time. I understand why/how my wheel turns and why I land in a wobbly way. I’m getting better and better and pulling straight up and landing straight down. The hard parts are the timing and the body weight shift. I”m getting those. A couple times when I hopped a log I was like “HOLY SHIT!! I WENT REALLY HIGH!” It was like a soar not a jump or hop. And that was sweet. I tried to leap/hop a little ledge-ish thing on a downhill but did it too early and didn’t get the air I wanted.

So hopping is coming along. The trick to learning it for me is to not “reach” down and then pull up because it turns the wheel. It’s a straight at your chest motion. Unbelievable how the bike moves with it.

Log pyramids. These are obstacles made of logs in a pyramid-ish shape, smaller logs lead up to a large one and smaller logs then lead down. So, really they are easier than hopping logs. But it’s also very very different.

(FUNNY. I just realized I’m writing this and tagging people who TOTALLY already know this stuff-I’m looking at you Ryan L, Peter, Jon, Leah, Aaron, and Ken)

I don’t hop up onto a log pyramid. I roll onto it. But oh my you better keep pedaling or you stall out and ker-plunk. You gotta have a little speed and not brake. The not braking is the hardest part. I mean, your instinct as you ride towards a pile of crap in your way is to STOP. NO! Keep going!!! GO!! Pedal!!!! I suppose you use your chain ring thing as a third wheel. That’s what a dude told me at the NMBA ride. I sort of don’t believe him. I haven’t decided yet.

I cannot explain how awesome it felt to figure this shit out. To not just know it but FEEL it. I was hopping roots and rocks all over the damn place on my way out. I definitely almost wrecked a few times. But that’s cool.

I did wreck pretty hard on one pyramid because of course I didn’t pedal.

The hardest thing I did was try a sharp steep rocky (WET) uphill with a tree in the middle of it. I tried it over and over and over. And I didn’t just dab down when I stopped. Most of the time I fell over a bit, or landed on a rock, or really wrecked. I almost fell over the little cliff-like side a couple times. But I kept doing it. I didn’t clear it. I don’t think I had enough speed and am still not ready to NOT be on the brakes. But I faced that fear again and again.

I also did a great job today NOT clutching my bike and oh MAN did it make a difference. A HUGE difference. And when I felt my heart rate soar, when I got the wobbly adrenaline thing I stopped. I drank some water. I took some deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth.

And folks, I talked to myself the whole damn time. Lots of “You’re loose! Great job!” and “Yeah BITCH!!! WHAT!!!” and “OH SnaP!” and other phrases you can imagine.

I ate enough today and I plan to tomorrow. I’m psyched for NMBA tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes. I just want to maintain, to be loose on my bike, to have fun, to try stuff, to face fear and sometimes fall and sometimes surprise myself!

Local bike ride: July 16 2009

I posted this on facebook with real names and stuff but here I am editing to make it more anonymous.

So, A and I went to the 6 pm Local ride again. 2 of the guys were the same, really nice guys. One of ‘em is an engineer type, maybe a little up-tight and geeky but really smart and sweet and helpful. The other guy is a former BMX guy who wears shorts and a T-shirt, has flat pedals, and is just pretty much a laid back cool guy.

Last week we worked really hard. This week, we had our asses handed to us. Especially me. At first I felt alright, though it was taking me a long time to warm up. And I actually woke up in bed last night and said out-loud “Oh! Staying in the harder gear in an attempt to warm up faster seems to have had the opposite effect!” So, I eventually worked out the lactic acid in the muscles and the burning went away, but a moderately distracting gas/intestine thing got worse over the course of the ride. Although it wasn’t like I was afraid of necessarily crapping my pants on uphills, it was certainly in my mind to not do so.

So, we toottled around, Harry’s trail, some other one’s I’ve done before. Then we did some really hard stuff, stuff my husband said he’d never take newbies on. We practiced several chutes, basically 10-12 feet sharp drops (think, like 50-70 degrees, some closer to 90 it seemed like) in which you go down and then up on the other side. There was lots of falling, me grabbing trees, eating trees, grabbing one of the ride leaders to not fall back down the hill, and a pretty big ole stick embedded in my leg. It was hard and scary and definitely caused some major endorphins, adrenalin rushes. Because I was nervous, I was clutching my bike, which led to feeling more nervous and not loosening up makes you feel every bump. Then we rode on some SCARY stuff, bench cut into a little cliff, curvy with rocks and roots that just suddenly shot out at you practically. My gasps and shrieks were not silly, they are bona fide fear. Ok. We were doing alright. And then I just sort of fell apart.

Once you get off your bike to walk once or twice, it becomes an option every time. I lose confidence and pride every time I get off and more importantly maybe, I lose actual and mental momentum. At one point, I was walking nearly 75% of it. I eventually rode much better and didn’t get off but it was really hard and demoralizing. I was near tears a couple times. I ate a little food, wasn’t dehydrated. It was really mental.

The thing about mountain biking is that there’s this constant vigilance that requires you to look ahead, trust your brain, avoid the fear of dying and hurting yourself, face hurting yourself, have exhilaration, compare yourself to everyone else and maintain all this through varying degrees and kinds of obstacles. After a while, I just have a brain fatigue. I cannot maintain concentration and just wreck over and over.

The guys who run the ride and the other folks along were absolutely wonderful and kind and sweet and offered help and advice and, most helpful of all, patience w/o judgment. I’ll go back next week for sure.

I faced a lot of fear and disappointment. I did clear some logs and a coupla pyramids that I hadn’t before. I didn’t wreck in spots I might have 3 weeks ago. I made it up one of the chutes and then fell at the top and I tried almost all of them.

So I’ll keep trying and doing. I’ll get better.

The other part that was awful was the post-ride. I ate. I drank water. I had about 1/3rd of a beer. And I felt terrible and dizzy and upset and weary. And SORE folks, SORE. I rebashed my shin from last week (which picture I need to upload). I was bleeding from my other shin and had tumbled around so was just a little beat up. After these kind of rides I don’t sleep well and I was awake every 1.5 hours or so and was up from 4 to 530 reading and 630 to 730 reading. It sucked. I basically had a hangover this morning. I’m determined not to let this make me stop. I almost came home last night, but I knew that it would make it hard for me to go out again.

I want to have a little time to spin along my favorite trails today. I may not get to it due to scheduling stuff.

Mountain biking is really hard, especially when you want to get better and especially when you have a strong self-preservation drive. It is pretty amazing though. If anyone wants to go with me sometime, let me know.

Let me say publicly that I love the Local Ride Club folks including the L’s and the dudes who have helped me so far. They are so wonderful. Our housemate is also awesome to ride with. I always feel like he just thinks I can try anything. He has faith in me and encourages me without lots of words or judgment. I always feel unembarrassed wrecking with him.

And my husband? Well lots of folks can testify that not only is he an amazing rider but he is also kind and patient and funny and just believes in you.

Quick update

I had written a really long blog about some friends who moved and how sad I was, how lonely it made me etc. It got lost by mistake and that’s a bummer. Because, if i say so myself, it was a great blog. I’ll write more another time about my people. I’ve decided to post stuff about my bike riding on here too as it’s fun to chronicle and people seem to like it. It’s part of the environmental stuff too. I guess this blog is becoming more of my life stuff and less about just ecology. But this is good because I want my life to be about sustainable living.

hard

I have little to say publicly except that I am having a hard time in what feels like most spheres of my life.

I doubt my professional abilities. I question my ability to parent. I feel lost and twisting in the breeze in my marriage. I feel disconnected and angry at my family of origin. I feel completely unraveled and would rather drink than think.

A focus

I need a small focusing entry right now. I have had some things happen at work that are very frustrating, that could have been prevented, and that basically lead to the realization that I am a pawn, I am broke, I contribute nothing to my families financial stability except more debt, and that I could’ve gone on a bike ride today at two different times if I’d been informed of particular changes at work.

I have so much on my mind, much of it triggered by a discussion with my new therapist yesterday. I like her. I’m guardedly optimistic and I do feel she might push me a little more emotionally than I want to go, but I’m getting to a point in my life where it’s time to shit and not get off the pot, if you follow.

Today’s goals are to stay on top of things, simply stay organized, look forward to being done while being in the moment of each task whether it is paperwork or true interpersonal interactions. This is my last 12 hour-ish day as long as I can prevent it. Starting next week, I’ll be splitting my Wednesdays with a 4 hour break. That will be good. And in the fall, I will not be doing every other Saturday anymore.

I will practice what I preach: small steps, focusing on those things that I can control, preparing for future stress, and remembering that this too will pass and that I have many in my life who are here to help if I need it.

Oh SNAP

It’s time for me to stop swearing. I just sent an email with *shit* in it to a friend and I guess that’s not a big deal. But swearing makes one sound uneducated, vulgar, coarse and generally unlady-like. These are of course the reasons I enjoy it.

So, I’m coming up with some new words to use. So far I have:

Oh SNAP.

Fiddlesticks.

Knucklehead

Pinhead

Nitwit

Dimwit

Oh calamity (just popped in my head).

I’m eliciting suggestions. Kindly, help me.

I’m about to go for a bike ride. I have no idea where I’ll go, whether it’ll be rocky/rooty/muddy/grassy/fire-road/flat road. We’ll see.

A few rides ago I came across beautiful bright orange newt. He was so adorable. Here’s a picture of what he looked like. Newts and salamanders have these wonderful little knowing smiles. Scotia is totally overgrown and absolutely turgid with life, saturated with chlorophyll and existence. It’s beautiful. In the morning, I tend to ride through a lot of spider webs, which is a little bit yucky but also pretty hard-core.

I have an app’t with a new therapist at 1 pm. I spoke with Dr. S (my therapist I used to see in Other-Town) and she said that of course it was fine and that if I want to come back and see her in the fall when I’m in Other-Town regularly for class that’s fine and that if I don’t that’s ok too. There was more to it than that. She was awesome about it, which of course makes me want to see HER. We’ll see how the new one goes. She’s got a lot to prove. I’m having all sorts of complex thinking about it, about me, about me in either role etc. We’ll see what happens.

I’m off to roll along with Gary Fisher.

Land Of Lakes and Reducing

So, Land O’ Lakes got back to me about shelf stability. I find the answer not so satisfactory nor surprising:

Thank you for your recent e-mail to LAND O LAKES®. We appreciate your interest in our products.

Shelf-Stable is a term used to describe a particular kind of food packaging. The cartons are sterile and after pasteurization are hermetically sealed much like canned foods. There is no difference in the product formulation between shelf-stable and refrigerated products- it’s the packaging process that differs.

This remarkable packaging system allows products once considered perishable to be distributed and stored without refrigeration for periods up to one year – even delicate foods such as milk, soy beverages and juices.

Thanks again for contacting the Consumer Affairs Department.

Sincerely,
Gerardo Huerta
Consumer Response Representative

Ref: N926465
The thing about this is that it suggests other ecological issues, namely that packaging is a huge part of corporations, of people attempting to move food long distances and avoid the “inconvenience” of planning ahead or eating real food. We already have a huge problem with excessive packaging, used for a variety of reasons including marketing, security, preservation, and convenience.

I guess it’s true that mayo and salad dressing are shelf stable, which should maybe make us take pause as well. Do they vacuum seal stuff? What exactly do they do? What the hell is hermetically sealed? Hermetically means that it’s air tight. How do they do that?

If I’m trying to buy less and less stuff that is processed and packaged, then I need to consider this. We’ve nearly eliminated corn syrup from our life. We make most of our food. I need to make salad dressing. Mine is way better than the expensive bottled shit, excepting Annie’s Goddess dressing. I’ve made something similar to Annie’s and need to keep trying to get it closer. Anyway, my point is that I think American’s are far too used to the convenience of everything being at their fingertips, immediate, when they want it. Why should I have to go to a dairy for my millk, two farmer’s markets for my produce and other dairy or meat, and the grocery store for staples? Because it’s not natural to eat strawberries that are made to be shipped from California. They taste like a different species than the local ones. We need to slow down and be willing to invest a little time and energy into the stuff we put in our bodies and feed our children. It needs to be a priority. We shouldn’t be working ridiculous hours. We should be glad to invest some time and money into these things. I refer you to The Omnivore’s Dilemma by Michael Pollan who makes a compelling argument for this.

I need to spend more time feeding us (body and soul) and less time on the interwebs, less time on facebook. So, I’m working on that.